A concise guide to the many types of customers you will encounter in your perilous journey through retail… part 1 of many…
The Change Bandit:
Has the ability to sense when your change supply is at its very weakest, will usually stroll in around mid to late shift, pick up an item worth under £1, whack out a £20 note and use the catchphrase “sorry, that’s all I have!”. Less intense, more guilty variants of the Change Bandit have been known to offer a piece of small change in order to help you out, (e.g. do you want the 20p?).
The Change Burdener:
The reverse of the aforementioned, these will usually appear late shift to dump as much copper and nickel on you as humanly possible, just when you thought cashing up was going to be an easy task. They can also be spotted earlier on in the day, slowing down the queue as they count out their shrapnel.
Not always a bad thing, especially after a visit from a Change Bandit. Common calls include “that’s lightened the load, haha!" and "hope you need change!”
The Useless Parent(s) & Uncontrollable Destructive Child(ren)
You’ve all seen it, no need to explain this one.
Will browse and potter around the entire premises with no set goals for what may seem like an age, pick up various bits and bobs, look at the back of the packaging, then proceed to put it back down and walk out without spending a single penny. Will almost always refuse help and use their call of “just looking thanks” because they have no intention of buying anything.
Such behaviour may look suspicious, but a great deal of Lurkers are killing time waiting for buses, appointments, or if they’re a man, their wives! Serial Lurkers are not uncommon, but most of them are harmless, unless…
Steals shit for a living. If and when, caught will either plead ignorance and that they “forgot to pay” or won’t care because they know the justice system will be kind to them. Pretty self explanatory, shoplifters innit.
The Bogus Know it All
Thinks they know your job better than you do, will pick faults with how the shop looks and the way things are run, quite obviously knowing absolutely fuck all about retail. Some will claim they have “experience in the sector”, even though they’re quite obviously an accountant or a teacher. Wouldn’t last a day in your shoes if given the opportunity.
The Fellow Retail Worker
Often the friendliest of customers, they feel what you’re going through as they have the same menial job to do, chit chat often involves bitching about having a busy day. Be warned, not all of them are so nice, some can act like the “Know it All” and some can simply be undercover non-uniform Lurkers from rival stores, trying to 1-up your own team’s hard work!
************************************ Part 2 coming whenever ****************
WHO THE FUCK LIKE WHY DISNEY WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS I’ M SO UPSET RIGHT NOW. DID U THI NK I JUST WOULDN’T NOTICE S HE HAS 2 FUCKING RIHGT FEET. OMFG.
Guess there wasn’t much “left” to the imagination…
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that´s an image I really didn´t need.
Billy Connolly (via billyconnollyshouldruletheworld)