Happy New Year! The year of the supposed apocalypse has arrived and so far nothing much interesting has happened…
Anyhow, since new year is supposed to be about rejuvenation and fresh ideas I decided to do the complete opposite and go back to an ancient art of mine not practiced for a whole 6 months! That’s right, finding crap free online browser games and giving them a scolding review, wasting my own time, but more importantly yours.
To keep you somewhat interested I’m blasting through FOUR (semi-randomly chosen) of them today with more of a short summary than an in depth analysis, because if I did the latter tumblr would probably collapse from overload of bullshit.
Here’s the site I always use, it’s reliable as ever:
GAME #1: Mighty Spidy
We kick of with the incorrectly spelt “Mighty Spidy" in which you control a goofy looking arachnid on the hunt for some immobile flies, it’s easy enough to grasp the concept, it’s a point and click affair, click your mouse and the spider will swing, catch all the flies and that’s it before the time limit expires and you’re done. 12 levels spanning 3 scenes that are just as colorful, albeit randomly set out as each other, we have a kitchen inhabited by killer spikes and bloodthirsty wasps, a city crawling with out of place scorpions and irritating floating fans, and finally a forest with it’s very own pissed off mantes. I can only speak for myself but the difficulty isn’t too challenging, normal mode makes you catch 7 flies within an amicable time limit on easy it’s 5 and on "Hard" it’s 10, the enemy and obstacle rates vary slightly too but who cares, it’s actually a playable game, not bad at all, easy to get the jist of and no major flaws if you mute that music… let it pass!
GAME #2: Perfect Pizza
Well I feel stupid, here’s me thinking I’d be getting to make pizzas in a well thought out cooking game, but no, what the fuck is this? Basically the goal is to get the clip art raw ingredients onto a realistic looking pizza base, and (get this), you have to try and match the opposite pizza by being ever so precise with where you place the ingredients and when you’re done it matches your “accuracy level” on which it bases your score. Like it even matters, who the fuck orders a pizza and wants the toppings in exact spots?! Oh and if I’m like a centimeter away from where it should be it counts a “miss”, what in the name of humanity did I “miss”, it’s not like I didn’t hit the base you picky bastard! OK and as well as all that there’s a time limit, fantastic! “Perfect” Pizza, well I don’t know about anyone else but what I’m supposed to be making looks far from perfect, then again I wouldn’t expect pizzas to be perfect from someone who doesn’t even have a nose, just look at that girl on the title screen… There’s two “modes” so to speak, both the same shit under a different veil of delusional self indulgence. This sucks the big one.
GAME #3: Box Office
From selling hideous pizza that nobody would buy to selling overpriced refreshments that everybody DOES buy, here it’s your basic “serve the impatient customer” game, controlling a demented hovering cashier with a lurid grin, what’s his problem? The customers, who look just as mental can ask for 3 things, popcorn to munch, green slime to drink and a ticket to a rubbish movie. Boy do they come thick and fast, and BOY OH BOY are they impatient bastards, you can only piss 5 of them off before the credits start rolling for your depressing career at the cinema.
If you make a mistake you can bin the refreshments and put the tickets back in a “can” whatever that’s supposed to be, at first I thought there was a glitch where there was no place to bin the tickets if you got too many by accident, and like an idiot I discovered the “can” in the wall. Well that’s just ruined my fun for the night… other than the relentless crowds it looks ridiculous, why does the romance movie have two cows on the poster, if it’s supposed to be humorous it’s failing badly, though what would I know! When you lose tells you there’s too many unhappy customers and that “YOU FAIL!”, what a hypocritical swine.
One thing I will say, that music kicks so much ass…
GAME #4: New Year Chinese Zodiac
WOW, the only game that starts with “New Year”, let’s take a look! Bonnie Games… cute anime girl winking, hmm.
OH MY GOOD GOD! What, just what?! I get the rabbit is a Chinese zodiac sign but, this is just wrong, so I’m supposed to dress this chick, but maybe I don’t want to ;) OK OK, less of the perversion, this is a PG blog (lol). So this isn’t a game so much as a male anime nerd’s wet dream, basically you customize what this lass looks like and what she’s wearing and that’s absolutely it, you can even share your creation on Facebook and lose all of your friends in the process.
Here’s what mine looked like after I’d finished with her:
Anyway there you go, 3 pointless games and one bit of softcore pornography for the minority! I’m a generous fellow.