I write about any old shite, 95% of the time I'm criticising something, such is life.

"Retro" Junk Food!

Junk food is amazing, and it was even more so when we were younger, and whilst feeling rather queezy from a rapidly consumed Cadbury Easter Egg, I got thinking about what different kinds of edible tat were popular back in the late 90’s and early 00’s that seem to have blown off of the radar in the present day, as well as those brands where you think “I can’t believe they STILL make those!”.
We all like a bit of retro crap, especially me, so let’s dive right into those slightly nostalgic junk foods…

Might be worth mentioning I’ve already talked about those horrendous Panda Pops, in a previous article:

#1: Toxic Waste


Good God above, these were like the Heroin of the sweet world, if you regularly consumed Toxic Waste, you were either bat shit insane, or had testicles of pure steel. As you may tell, these were “hazardously sour” boiled sweets that came in a nice little yellow radioactive barrel, they came in an assortment of flavors, but if I recall, the lemon one was unsurprisingly the most dangerous of the lot.
They’ll probably seem a bit pedestrian to us now, but back then, they separated the men from the complete pussbags, I never really cared for them myself…
Toxic Waste do indeed live on, there’s even an official webpage, with various clips of people taking the Toxic Waste challenge, (i.e. eating one), take a look if you like… http://www.toxicwastecandy.com/video.aspx

#2: Space Raiders

Ahh, Space Raiders, they’re out of this world! For just 10p you could have a small back of alien head shaped corn snacks, that was until 2007, when they went up to 15p…
The familiar, and yet somehow eerie extraterrestrial face has donned the front of packets since the 1970’s when they were first introduced, everyone recognizes the green Pickled Onion alien, but I don’t seem to remember the Spicy and Saucy flavors at all, the covers look even more disturbing though. 
There’s not much else to be said about Space Raiders, except that they tasted nice for the price! 
As you’d expect, they’re still around today too, but as an adult I’m obliged to buy Walkers in order to avoid looking like a pauper, *sadface*. 

#3: Frisps

I wont go on about these much because I’m probably the only one that remembers them, and they might not be around anymore, these are what first inspired me to write about old junk foods. These were just crinkle cut crisps, a bit like McCoys except that they weren’t absolutely horrid, (yes, I’m a McCoys hater). 
There was a cool mustached chef holding a Frisp on the old multipacks, and I can’t find any evidence for his existence, but I swear he was there, THERE WAS A CHEF!! D:

#4: Discos

Speaking of obscure crisps, who remembers these bad boys? They were marketed as some sort of groovy snack, which was quite odd. This is evidenced by the “Big Hittin’ Salt N’ Vinegar FLAVA” seen on the photograph, now I don’t know if it’s just me but, I hate things that put ‘n’ instead of “and”, it doesn’t make it sound modern or cool, it makes it sound lazy and tacky, rant over…
Anyway, back to Discos (which by the way are still grooving around in the cheap-jack food shops) they were very round, very flat, and tasted a bit shit if I’m honest. Next.

#5: Cadbury Freddo

I couldn’t write a post about nostalgic junk food without mentioning Freddo bars, known for being the best confectionery based indicator of national inflation rates. When Freddo bars hit 17p, the country was in a state of frenzy, and apparently they’ve hit 20p now, which means all hell is about to break loose…
As for the chocolate itself, it’s just a frog shaped piece of Dairy Milk, you can get caramel ones, but if my memory serves me correctly, the caramel Freddo bars were previously known as:


I know, I just had a retrogasm too…

Well, I think I’ll wrap it up there, I don’t think Freddo bars can really be topped, I’ll probably do more of these another time, I just thought it’d be quite fun to take a quick look at some of the shite we used to (and for some, still do) consume! 

Until next time!

Cacolantern out!


Bargain Bin Beauties!

Everyone loves a bargain, or so the saying goes, and when it comes to video games, I’m one for rooting through the bargain bins to find what may be a hidden gem or something so horrid it’s worth keeping for amusement purposes.
That being said, I thought I’d rave about the games in my collection which I acquired for £1 or less, (gifts don’t count) these wont be full reviews as such, just some quick impressions and perhaps a light hearted jest at some of the noticeable flaws!
Before I begin I’d like to point out that all of these games are for the Playstation 2, so if you’re not a fan of arguably one of the greatest consoles of all time, look away now, you hideous creature of the night…

#1: Robot Warlords

Robot Warlords Coverart.png

The funny thing about Robot Warlords is that it has always lingered around whilst I’ve been shopping for video games, even when I was a small boy, I’d see this game staring at me and think, “looks cool!”, it took me over 10 years to finally get around to purchasing it, and guess what? It’s horrendous… 
The graphics are dated even for an early PS2 title and the gameplay is macabre enough to put any insomniac into a comatose state, and the story that’s thrown into the mix garners little attention because you’re so bored.
I’ve never put off playing a game for so long and had such a miserable payoff, what can I expect for a £1 though? 

#2: Madden NFL 2003


I don’t know a damn thing about American Football, and playing Madden really does back up that statement, you’re provided with options and tactics up to your eyeballs, but for me, they all end in the same result, failure.
I guess it serves me right for being an idiotic Englishman, I knew full well I’d suck at this game, and it really doesn’t matter, because it’s great fun playing with somebody else who’s equally as clueless, I got a surprising amount of enjoyment out this, which is good for a game that A) Cost £1 and B) Might aswell be in a different language.

#3: Operation WinBack


Apparently some people thought this game was good, I just found it a bitch to get the hang of, it’s like you’re constantly fighting against the camera, change the settings and it still feels awkward, the voice acting is balls and the protagonist team in the game is named S.C.A.T. if that doesn’t say it all I don’t know what else will.
Maybe I’m being too harsh on old WinBack, maybe I’ll give it another chance and post a better opinion another time, and maybe Dino Crisis 4 will be released next year…

#4: Outlaw Volleyball

I have to be honest, this game did amuse me in a few ways, whilst it controls a lot like a bog standard volleyball game, it’s got some unique quirks that make it stand out from the rest, Steve Carrell provides some obnoxious yet witty commentary, the characters are all supposed to be stereotypical social outcasts such as a hillbilly, a punk girl and even a drunken Irishman, making for some interesting pairings and matchups. 
One of the problems I encountered is that this is a port of Outlaw Volleyball originally released on the Xbox and it suffers from some BIG lag issues, some of the worst I’ve seen on a PS2 game, maybe my copy was a dud, but it really ruined some games for me but I’d definitely say this was worth what I payed for it by far (£1 again).

#5- RedCard

There’s not much to say about RedCard, it’s as simple a football (soccer for those across the Atlantic) game as you can get, and it’s very easy to master, only thing setting it apart is the total disregard for any rules, the referee is blind, anything goes, the sliding tackles are exaggerated somewhat, but this only adds to the fun, probably a good game to play when you’re a bit drunk.
Not a great game, but nothing to turn your nose up at, an arcade football experience with no rules, plus it’s got Chris Kamara commentating, UNBELIEVABLE JEFF!!

#6- Jet Ion GP


If a game doesn’t have a Wikipedia page, you know it’s obscure…
You poor souls in North America were not graced with the madness that is Jet Ion GP, and I’m probably one of the few people in Europe who’ve played it too, this game is maybe a bit like WipEout, but everything’s a bit slower and a lot more complicated to follow, you’ll just be like “I don’t know what I’m doing but this music is crazy and my ship is all over the place, oh I’ve won, what?!”
I urge you to buy a copy, import it if you have to, not enough people know about this game, it seems, it’s an game that can’t be explained well, it must be experienced first hand…
Or was I just too drunk to remember anything about it?

#7- GT-R 400

The best game I’ve ever bought… (for a £1), it’s actually very good, the graphics are good for a budget title, yeah maybe the driving isn’t the most realistic, it’s not Gran Turismo killer, but for the price, it’s a damn fine racing game. I’m proud to own it and say I’ve actually beaten it, yes, I took the time to beat this thing and I’m willing to bet nobody else did because “it’s not as good as Gran Turismo” RUBBISH, it’s a brilliant game, everyone should play it! :D

P.S. GTR 400 Drinking Game:
Get a friend, everytime one of you crashes, pause the game and take a shot, it’s a riot, you’ll be wasted enough to pop in Jet Ion GP afterward…

Other Bargain Games I bought but don’t own anymore:

  • Project Eden: God knows why I got rid of this, it’s a great laugh with some friends, trying to figure out where to go is one thing, but being immature and making sex grunt noises with the characters by running into walls is even better…
  • International Superstar Soccer: The precursor to the modern Pro Evolution Soccer, you’ll find Pro Evo trademarks such as unlicensed teams, players and even stadiums, the thing is back then it wasn’t so bad, it’s a good laugh seeing what imaginary team names they came up with, but to still have some of the same licensing issues today, is just cringeworthy…
  • Truck Racing 2: It was so bad it was good, ended up being thrown out of the window and stamped on though, tough break… :3
So there we have it, some of the bargains I’ve found in my local video game shops, get yourselves hunting around, you just never know! I’ll probably have a couple more of these articles as I collect more cheap stuff, so stay tuned for some more bargains in the future! :D 
Cacolantern out