I write about any old shite, 95% of the time I'm criticising something, such is life.

Game Review #6: Commodore 64 Part I (History, Bionic Granny)


The Commodore 64 is the best selling single home PC unit of all time, and back when it came out over 30 years ago in 1982 it was somewhat revolutionary, and to quote from the Wikipedia article I’ll be stealing facts from:

Part of its success was because it was sold in retail stores instead of electronics stores. Commodore produced many of its parts in-house to control supplies and cost. It is sometimes compared to the Ford Model T automobile for its role in bringing a new technology to middle-class households via creative mass-production.

Approximately 10,000 software titles were released for the C64, ranging from development software and office tools, all the way to 8-bit video games, which is what we’re going to focus on today…

The games came on either a floppy disk or a cassette tape, the latter being more popular over here in Europe and the former becoming more established in the United States, although sometimes the format would depend on the game, much larger games such as RPGs were more often found on floppy disks due to the infamously sluggish loading times that plagued the cassette tapes. Despite their flaws, many titles were published on cassette tapes, due to their relative cheapness to use as a developing platform, as a result they were usually cheaper than their floppy disk counterparts.


Due in part to its advanced sound and graphic hardware, and to the quality and quantity of games written for it, the Commodore 64 became better known as a gaming and home entertainment platform than as a serious business computer. The Commodore 64’s large installed user base encouraged commercial companies to flood the market with game software, even up until Commodore’s demise in 1994. Perhaps the most striking aspect of the Commodore 64’s gaming history is the sheer number of game titles written for the machine. In total there exist well over 23,000 unique game titles for the Commodore 64.


So with all that said, is it any wonder there are still enthusiasts that make their very own C64 games to this day? Well, maybe…
Anyway, I’ve barely scratched the surface of things to know about the C64, I’ve just given a quick overview of how the gaming side of things worked out back in the day, if you do want to do some more swatting up before we delve into some games, then feel free to gain some knowledge from this here Wikipedia article, it worked for me!


If not, then I don’t care, I know you came here for games, not a history lesson, but I’m merely showcasing my versatility  albeit not all that well… *cough* I just copypasted *cough*


So let’s play a C64 game, now obviously I don’t own a real Commodore, but there are many websites around that provide perfectly functioning (I hope) emulated versions of literally hundreds of classic C64 titles, as well as some newly developed games that people have made during their lunch hour at work or something.



The name alone got me interested in this one, apparently it was released by Mastertronic in 1984 and I appear to be playing the Dutch version, or it could just be a Dutch game… DUH. I’m not really sure what to expect going into this, “not much” is probably the right thing to expect…


So here we have what is supposed to be the “bionic granny” at the bottom of the screen, the idea is to beat up as many miscreant kids as you can with your big stick as they charge down the screen at you throwing what appear to be squash racquets or large fishing nets… OK, WHAT THE FUCK?! 
From what I can gather, this is set outside a school, and the kids for some barbaric reason aren’t happy with poor old granny, so have decided to try and end her life with the aforementioned squash racquets/fishing nets… I have a few questions. First of all, why are they so mad at granny? She doesn’t seem to have much malicious intent or potential to offend except for her yellow skin and oddly proportioned body?
Second of all, why do the characters in this game move so erratically and with so much piss and vinegar?! Either the entire town is under the influence of a heavy dosage of crack or they all have fireworks up their arses, just look at the way granny shakes that stick, she’s off her saggy old tits, well she ain’t called BIONIC for nothing!
Thirdly, just look at those kids, a little on the larger side don’t you think? They’re bigger than granny. They’re taller than the trees. They’re as wide as the road. THEY’RE AS TALL AS THE FOOTBALL PITCH IS WIDE!?
Graphically, nothing makes any sense whatsoever, everyone is out of proportion, everyone looks like an extra-terrestrial and everyone moves like shit on a stick. At least it’s colourful, and I suppose you can say it’s imaginative? Anyway, enough about aesthetics, let’s see how it actually plays…

As I said, the idea is to fend off these mutant children with your stick, only problem is granny can’t move upward, or in any direction other than patrolling the bottom of the screen by moving left and right, that’s fine by me, there are a few games like this, HOWEVER…
Because everything’s so fast it’s hard to avoid being hit, and if you get hit thrice you’re dead, what makes it worse is that there’s no recovery time inbetween getting hit and losing one of your lives, which means you’re gonna get fucked over big time, because by the time one squash racquet hits you, the next fishing net is right behind it, so that’s it, game over. Nice. 
One last thing I noticed is that when you die, a demonic face appears next to you for a brief second, it was too quick for me to screenshot but it’s there alright, I’m not even going to begin to speculate what it symbolizes, or indeed why anything in this game is the way it is, what a load of shit.


*** Can you believe I pressed backspace and the whole fucking page went back and I lost the whole article near the end, I was fucking raging and calling my PC a cuntbag for like 5 mins, this article was to be the retrospective and 3 games, but I’m splitting it now, I’m simply too tired to re-write the other bits, Bionic Granny simply couldn’t wait ;) Next week is all games!***



Video Game Theme of the Day, 15/1/2013:


Not the original theme from the game (amazing as it is in 8 bit), but this remake blows my head off everytime I listen to it, it’s fucking epic. 

Game Review #3: Call of Duty

It’s November 13th 2012, you know what that means!?

Nope, neither do I, but apparently some shooter game by the name of "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" was released at midnight…
Various so called “hardcore” gamers around the country queued up for the epic release and proceeded to waste their entire night pretending to be R. Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket, shouting abusive orders down a headset to people half their age, then wondering why school/work were ringing up the following afternoon to ask where they were. A true soldier never sleeps, except for when they play single player campaign. 

(By the way, if you’re unaware of who R. Lee Ermey is, he voiced the little green soldier in Toy Story, same style of communication, albeit without the expletives, obviously)

ANYWAY, I didn’t buy Call of Duty: Black Ops II, for several reasons:

  1. I can think of better things to spend £44.99 on, many copies of Dino Crisis 3 for me to incinerate springs to mind as a good example. 
  2. I’m really not interested in online play, I simply can’t team up with anybody who takes virtual warfare seriously, especially now that it’s set in the future, so we can’t exactly call it realistic…
  3. Therefore paying £44.99 for the single player campaign does seem a little bit of a waste, zombies or not…
  4. Also, I’m not actually very good at Call of Duty, I prefer my games to have more of a mixture of puzzle solving and action, take Tomb Raider and Dino Crisis as good examples, the only puzzle you’ll be solving with Call of Duty, is figuring out how to teabag someone…

Enough with the longest introduction to a game review ever, here’s a Call of Duty game you can play for FREE! 


Yes, you may have remembered me reviewing this ages and ages ago, but that review isn’t around anymore, and this is a brilliant time to mention it again, so sue me. 


So, the title screen has a horribly rendered screenshot of what looks to be the very first Call of Duty game, back when World War II was cool, nowadays everybody bitches about it being the subject of a video game because it’s been done half to death, although I suspect another WWII Call of Duty would still get a 9.0 from Gamespot. The title also says Call of Duty twice, once in a crappy font, and another with official franchise logo, just incase we didn’t figure it out the first time. 


In this abhorrent little game, you move side to side with your grainy looking gun, shooting identical cardboard cutout Nazis in front of a blurry background of battered old houses, look out for the fire, the only part of the game animated with any fluidity, they must have spent a little more than their lunch hour on that bit.
So you defend yourself constantly until you die, whether you die virtually, or in reality (of sheer boredom) is a matter of chance.  

Hmm, this might sound harsh, but I’d probably rather be playing the real thing right now…

On second thought, how about I switch the shit game off, publish this article and wait to see if anybody notices it because of the famous game name in the title. You never know!

Cacolantern out! 

Video Games I HATE (lol there are only 3)

I guess this article was a long time coming, since I’ve been criticising games on the old internet for quite a while, it was only natural that I give you my thoughts on what many would call REAL games, like ones you actually pay for (if you’re not a pirate that is).

This is quite simply a few games I can think of off the top of my head that I simply can’t stand for one reason or another, now you may find some of the reasoning a little pathetic, as in some cases it doesn’t even have to be a bad game, infact a couple of them are actually good games that I just don’t like. Only rules are, I can’t use games from the internet, if I did that we’d be here all day. So in no particular order, here are the video games I really hate!


Boy oh boy, where do I start on this one? Let’s go back to the year 2003, I’m an excited 10 year old boy who loves video games, my favourite game in the whole world is the original Dino Crisis (and still is), the sequel, Dino Crisis 2 is also one of my most cherished. So I’m in the video game store, having the equivalent of a hysterical fit as the highly anticipated Dino Crisis 3 for the Xbox is slipped into the plastic bag. After an agonizing wait, I finally get home, pop this baby into my machine and what did I get?
The biggest disappointment of my entire life.
OK, so we’re in space, that’s stupid but I can live with that, but more importantly:

  • Where are the real dinosaurs? What the FUCK are these things?!
  • What’s with the camera angles?
  • Why am I allowed to use jetpacks?
  • Why is this so frustrating to play?
  • Why is this NOTHING like the other two?! 
  • Did they put the right disc in the box or have my parents just been robbed of £30?!

Never in my entire childhood has a video game made me more angry, just by the mere realization that after all that excitement, it turned out to be quite simply, horrible. I didn’t have the heart to tell the truth to Mum and Dad, because they thought I’d love it, and to be honest so did I. I just couldn’t tell them that what they’d bought me, would send my favourite gaming series of all time into an inescapable abyss. 
To this day, nothing more has been heard or seen of Dino Crisis since the year this evil piece of shit was released. That’s almost 10 years. I hope one day they can remake or reboot the franchise into a survival horror with dinosaurs, that’s all I want… however if they’re going to remake it like they make Resident Evil now, just forget about it and leave it dead
I may have said this list was in no particular order, but it’s obvious this has the top spot.



A bit of a lazy one here, follow this link and scroll down to where I talk about Angel of Darkness, then you’ll find out why I hate it. :P


3. RESIDENT EVIL 4 (5 and 6)

Another case of "Why change what I really like?" but in this example I’m in a small minority. I simply don’t like Resident Evil the way it is, and the way it has been starting from this installment, there’s not much reason for it, other than the fact I’m a big fan of the survival horror genre, I love the atmosphere of the old style Resident Evil games, I even like the camera angles and controls better (and OK, I am a big Zombie fanboy). 
To me, Resident Evil isn’t about shooting everything in sight (more aimed toward RE6), it’s about solving puzzles, trying to get by with low resources and being scared shitless. Now I’m aware that RE4 doesn’t commit as much crime against the series as RE5 and certainly not RE6. The reason I chose it is because this for me is when Resident Evil started to die, don’t get me wrong, as a game in itself Resident Evil 4 is solid, but as a Resident Evil? No thanks, not for me. 


Wow I’m actually all out of games. I keep trying to think of more than three but they’re literally ALL I can think of, I guess if I can’t remember it, I mustn’t have hated it that much? 

Anyway, watch this space, if I think of anymore, I’ll make sure to bitch about it ASAP. Have a fun night!

Cacolantern out! 


Game Review #30- Adults Only II

After literally months of mulling over how I could make my 30th game review a special occasion, I gave up trying and decided to look at some freaky pornographic games again, because let’s face it, they’re about as interesting as my articles ever get.
So sit back, relax, and please put down that Vaseline, let’s look at some more of these “games”…


For consistency (and of course fear that I’ll get a hideous computer virus and having to explain to someone that “I got hacked, I would never look at tentacle rape games :O”) I’ll be using the Newgrounds “adult section” again…

Game #1- “Fuck-O-Rama”



There isn’t a better way to start with a good old fashioned “sex simulator”, this particular one is apparently with an anime chick by the name of Kasumi, she seems to like waving to you whilst shoving her arse in your face, I wish all hot chicks would greet me that way… 

Anyway, the title screen music is a very poor 10 second loop, though I doubt I’m meant to spend too long on it, this is my punishment for being a snot nosed critic and not just mindlessly masturbating to the game within 5 seconds…
What’s this though? BY THE NINE DIVINES! IT’S IN THREE. DEE.
I can’t wait for this…

The game begins with a still image of Kasumi greeting us in her native tongue of shitty and broken English… I have the transcript of our initial encounter here…


Kasumi: "Hi there, hope you did’nt tyred of waiting" 
Cacolantern: ”Actually Kasumi, it loaded pretty quickly, it should be you who’s tyred of waiting for me, I’ve been sat on the title screen for the past 10 minutes thinking of witty criticisms of yourself and this “game” you feature in…”
Kasumi: "Let’s start our fun already!"
Cacolantern: "Oh no, you’re going to turn 3D and become ugly aren’t you?"
Kasumi:  ”Click many times and i’ll flash my titties!”
Cacolantern: ”If you say so…” *clicks many times*
Kasumi:  *half exposes her breasts* “I can’t beleve you realy can interact with me!”
Cacolantern:  ”
N’aww, I bet you say that to all the fellas!”
Kasumi:  “Please continue… I’ll let you suck them later…”
Kasumi exposes her ridiculous 3D rubbery breasts

*Cacolantern holds in a giggle has he obliges to sucking on her breasts back in 2D land*

OK that’s enough, I’m gonna be here forever if I continue the narrative, basically she starts sucking your dick and you have to time the clicks right as she does so, or in some cases just click really fast. For some reason she’s getting loads of pleasure out of this, the 3D graphics are balls, granted they’re very smooth but, I’d rather this was just in 2D stills, because they look much better… 


So she sucks your dick for what seems like an eternity, I love how nothing but Kasumi moves, you may aswell be a corpse… Next you’re touching her sacred clitoris, but it looks more like a pink golf ball, or a malignant tumor to me, sick. 
MY GOD, ALL YOU DO IS CLICK THE MOUSE, doesn’t even matter where, I’ve been clicking her eye for the majority of this and it still gets me the same result. I can’t believe I’m saying this whilst I’m pleasuring an anime girl but I’m fucking BORED! 


Eventually you have real sex, and it’s all just the same, click the mouse, rinse and repeat, some simulator huh? I didn’t even reach the end, I was almost asleep, not to spoil anything but I’m assuming she comes, you come, and you both go on with your lives and forget each other ever existed. DUD.  Oh,I forgot to mention, there’s a mini game included where all you do is uncensor some pictures from a hentai manga with your explosive mouse cursor, that’s so pointless it’s unreal…

Now you see that ^? I’ve wasted so much space on that one game I’ve barely got room to talk about another, but I guess I’ll do one more, just ‘cause I’m a nice guy and all…

Game #2: “Attack of The Giant Penises”


On second thoughts…

Cacolantern out



Game Review #29: BlackBerry Games

Research In Motion’s “BlackBerry” accounts for 3% of all mobile phone sales worldwide, it is a smartphone designed with the hectic lifestyle of an average businessman in mind, but has also reached out to many an average consumer too. It comes equipped with e-mail, Facebook, Youtube and has a range of useful apps that can be downloaded via the App World, all in all it’s a nice little piece of kit, but I’m not here to discuss the device itself, no, I’m here to see what preloaded games they put on to keep me entertained.

Remember when you got a new phone, one of the first things you’d check is what games were on there? I remember Nokia was always reliable with Snake, but some of the Samsung phones only had stingy free trials of mediocre games that weren’t worth the time…

Before we get started, I’ve owned my BlackBerry (9300 Curve for anyone interested) for a while now, I’ve just been putting off talking about the games on it because I’ve had better stuff to comment on, but now I think it’s about time to get it done.
So we have five games in a line, and I’ll just go from right to left, which is how people in the Middle East read the Koran if I’m not mistaken, I sure hope I’m not…



Klondike is one of many Solitaire variants, and is what most people simply call “Solitaire”, the same version here is what you find on all of your Windows PCs, and it has to be said, I suck at all card games, so this is more an experience of confusion to me than anything else. Getting the cards to move anywhere is really awkward, just wishing I had a real mouse cursor, or anything more precise than this fucking trackpad!
Once you figure out what you’re doing with the control, it’s OK, you can’t really moan about the graphics, the royalty cards look quite funny, they’re all pixellated, one of the kings has a big smile on his face, which makes a change from the usual miseries you get on the average 52 deck! There’s no sound effects or music, but there doesn’t really need to be, no complaints here…
I never liked Solitaire on the PC (I was more of a 3D Pinball fella), and this watered down BlackBerry version doesn’t really make me change my mind about the game, sorry, but if you like Solitaire, then this is for you…



Oh no, oh PLEASE no! Aside from card games, football and getting up out of bed early, there’s only ONE thing in the entire world I’m worse at, and yep, you guessed it, it’s Sudoku, I REALLY HATE Sudoku, the worst thing is, nobody else seems to, I’m just a dumb shit because I can’t figure it out (more like I simply don’t have the patience), well that may be so, but even if I DID know what to do, there’s lots of things more entertaining than putting some numbers into boxes, like sticking your tongue in a jar of spiders, or spraying your crotch with aftershave. Don’t get me wrong nothing bad about challenging puzzles, but Sudoku just tests my patience and drives me insane, rant over.
Anyway, the actual game is your basic Sudoku, there’s daily puzzles to download if you want, and statistics to show how much time you’ve spent filling in boxes with numbers, instructions that begin with “the rules of Sudoku are simple" Well thanks, as if I didn’t feel retarded enough already…The difficulty ranges from Easy to Genius, and it all ends the same way for me, failure…

Texas Hold’Em King 2:


Was there ever a Texas Hold’Em King 1? Who knows? Anyway this is yet ANOTHER thing I don’t really understand how to play, I dunno, I just press whatever until somebody that’s never me wins, checking, calling, raising, folding, I really don’t get it.
The graphics are nice though, the avatars for the CPU look a little weird though, people you’d stay well clear of at a party I’d say, again there’s no sound or music, but hey, it’s a card game, no biggie. There’s customization to be had, you can change your card designs, get new avatars, and there’s even a turbo mode, and you can also do online multiplayer, but if I can’t beat these CPU players, then what chance have I got against some Texas Hold’Em King 2 scientist (who probably doesn’t exist). 

Word Mole:


Finally, something I can play, this has similar rules to Scrabble, you just have to find as many words as you can in the jumble of letters in order to get a certain score to progress to the next stage, I actually do like this game, I guess I work better with letters than I do numbers, it’ll recognize most words, although it failed to accept Zurich (place name, maybe fair enough), it also failed to accept “ass”, yeah, we know it can be rude, but it also means a donkey, that’s no fair!
There’s glorious sound effects for the first time, but they’re run of the mill stuff for a game based around a literal mole in a garden, the odd bird tweet ingame and random whistle when you pause, well what did you expect?
The graphics are stellar, probably the best out of all the games, which is worrying since it’s basically Scrabble, oh, and you can also play online much like the Texas Hold’Em game, I bet I’d kick ass, if only “ass” were a word…

Brick Breaker:


Last game, and what some people would call the only actual “game” on the device, this is a poor man’s Breakout, or Arkanoid. It’s the game where you control a bat at the bottom of the screen and bounce a ball up so it hits some bricks and when all the bricks are hit you complete the level, we’ve all seen it before.
It’s mindless fun, there’s some nice powerups to help you along the way, such as a longer bat, a sticky feature which allows you to aim your ball with every shot, and that one bastard powerup which inverts the controls, not to mention extra lives. Now let’s talk about the lives, unless you’re a Breakout genius, you’re gonna slip up and lose the ball sometimes, which is easy done with a sensitive trackpad. You get 3 lives, and once all your lives are gone, it’s all over, no matter how far you got, whether it be level 4 or 34, that’s it, there’s no fucking around with this game.
The sounds are cute beeps and blips that are reminiscent of a retro era long gone, but the graphics are lacking color and vibrancy, it’s all just a little grey, but that aside it’s easily the best game out of the five. 

Wowza, that felt good! I’m shit at goodbyes, so I’ll see y’all for my 30th Review, I still haven’t decided what it should be though, must try harder!
Any ideas are welcome, I just realized I had anonymous messages off for my blog, DUH! 

Cacolantern out!


Game Review #22- Four Game Frenzy

Happy New Year! The year of the supposed apocalypse has arrived and so far nothing much interesting has happened…
Anyhow, since new year is supposed to be about rejuvenation and fresh ideas I decided to do the complete opposite and go back to an ancient art of mine not practiced for a whole 6 months! That’s right, finding crap free online browser games and giving them a scolding review, wasting my own time, but more importantly yours.
To keep you somewhat interested I’m blasting through FOUR (semi-randomly chosen) of them today with more of a short summary than an in depth analysis, because if I did the latter tumblr would probably collapse from overload of bullshit. 

Here’s the site I always use, it’s reliable as ever:


GAME #1: Mighty Spidy

We kick of with the incorrectly spelt “Mighty Spidy" in which you control a goofy looking arachnid on the hunt for some immobile flies, it’s easy enough to grasp the concept, it’s a point and click affair, click your mouse and the spider will swing, catch all the flies and that’s it before the time limit expires and you’re done. 12 levels spanning 3 scenes that are just as colorful, albeit randomly set out as each other, we have a kitchen inhabited by killer spikes and bloodthirsty wasps, a city crawling with out of place scorpions and irritating floating fans, and finally a forest with it’s very own pissed off mantes. I can only speak for myself but the difficulty isn’t too challenging, normal mode makes you catch 7 flies within an amicable time limit on easy it’s 5 and on "Hard" it’s 10, the enemy and obstacle rates vary slightly too but who cares, it’s actually a playable game, not bad at all, easy to get the jist of and no major flaws if you mute that music… let it pass! 

GAME #2: Perfect Pizza

"Perfect" Pizza

Well I feel stupid, here’s me thinking I’d be getting to make pizzas in a well thought out cooking game, but no, what the fuck is this? Basically the goal is to get the clip art raw ingredients onto a realistic looking pizza base, and (get this), you have to try and match the opposite pizza by being ever so precise with where you place the ingredients and when you’re done it matches your “accuracy level” on which it bases your score. Like it even matters, who the fuck orders a pizza and wants the toppings in exact spots?! Oh and if I’m like a centimeter away from where it should be it counts a “miss”, what in the name of humanity did I “miss”, it’s not like I didn’t hit the base you picky bastard! OK and as well as all that there’s a time limit, fantastic! “Perfect” Pizza, well I don’t know about anyone else but what I’m supposed to be making looks far from perfect, then again I wouldn’t expect pizzas to be perfect from someone who doesn’t even have a nose, just look at that girl on the title screen… There’s two “modes” so to speak, both the same shit under a different veil of delusional self indulgence. This sucks the big one.

GAME #3: Box Office


From selling hideous pizza that nobody would buy to selling overpriced refreshments that everybody DOES buy, here it’s your basic “serve the impatient customer” game, controlling a demented hovering cashier with a lurid grin, what’s his problem? The customers, who look just as mental can ask for 3 things, popcorn to munch, green slime to drink and a ticket to a rubbish movie. Boy do they come thick and fast, and BOY OH BOY are they impatient bastards, you can only piss 5 of them off before the credits start rolling for your depressing career at the cinema.

If you make a mistake you can bin the refreshments and put the tickets back in a “can” whatever that’s supposed to be, at first I thought there was a glitch where there was no place to bin the tickets if you got too many by accident, and like an idiot I discovered the “can” in the wall. Well that’s just ruined my fun for the night… other than the relentless crowds it looks ridiculous, why does the romance movie have two cows on the poster, if it’s supposed to be humorous it’s failing badly, though what would I know! When you lose tells you there’s too many unhappy customers and that “YOU FAIL!”, what a hypocritical swine.  

One thing I will say, that music kicks so much ass…  

GAME #4: New Year Chinese Zodiac

WOW, the only game that starts with “New Year”, let’s take a look! Bonnie Games… cute anime girl winking, hmm. 
OH MY GOOD GOD! What, just what?! I get the rabbit is a Chinese zodiac sign but, this is just wrong, so I’m supposed to dress this chick, but maybe I don’t want to ;)  OK OK, less of the perversion, this is a PG blog (lol). So this isn’t a game so much as a male anime nerd’s wet dream, basically you customize what this lass looks like and what she’s wearing and that’s absolutely it, you can even share your creation on Facebook and lose all of your friends in the process. 
Here’s what mine looked like after I’d finished with her: 

Subtle… ;)

Anyway there you go, 3 pointless games and one bit of softcore pornography for the minority! I’m a generous fellow.