I write about any old shite, 95% of the time I'm criticising something, such is life.

Game Review #8- Bowlec 3D

http://www.fupa.com/play/Sports-free-games/bowlec-3d_v1.html

This game sucks. I’m not even going to come up with an introduction for this review, there’s nothing to introduce, the bottom of the barrel has been scraped until eventually we’re actually digging through the very foundations of the earth, many miles below said barrel. 

I don’t even need to explain much, you look at this screenshot and think to yourself “how could anybody make this?” well my answer to that is that I don’t think anybody made this, no human being could be capable of creating a travesty as ugly and devoid of charm as this waste of web space.

If you think I’m being too harsh, just look closer, are those blue sticks supposed to be bowling pins? When was the last time you saw cuboid shaped bowling pins? More like bowling stumps! Why are the sides of the alley an eye watering shade of blue when the middle is wood textured? Are they supposed to be moats? It looks like they just went haywire with the “fill” tool in MS Paint! Speaking of blue, what the fuck is the background supposed to be, looks like we’re playing in outer space, or some trippy portal to another dimension, and does that scoreboard say “Ron 1”? “RON 1?!” They couldn’t even get the spelling right! Oh god help me…

Now if you think it’s not fair to pick on a game for how bad the graphics are, then I’ll let you know that the graphics give a fair representation of what to expect in terms of playability, in other words, it’s horrendous.

The aim for the bowling ball moves simply too fast, how many people have you seen waving the ball side to side at 50mph before they take a shot? In most other GOOD bowling games, you can determine where you stand to take your shot before you bowl, but in THIS game, it’s just a joke, most of the time your ball is moat-bound before you even determine the power and the angle of the shot.
Oh, and it seems the power and angle bars like to move at the same frantic speed too, so good luck…

The thought of playing through all 10 rounds of this makes me sick, you’d have more fun making your own bowling set out of scrunched up bits of paper, I were to drop a 7 kilo ball onto my foot, that would still be less painful than having to endure more than 10 minutes of this.

And apparently, I’m not the only one, which is reassuring, means I’m not going totally insane…. You know what the worst part is though? I had to sit through THREE advertisements before this game loaded, THREE! That’s right, I waited a whole minute and a half for this awful, awful game, that is time that I shall never get back.

Anyway, enjoy your weekend.

I’ll be back.

Cacolantern out

x

Game Review #4: Mini Golf

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http://fetchfido.co.uk/games/mini-golf/mini-golf.htm?gId=119

Let’s kick off 2013 with a bit of class, a nice friendly game of Miniature Golf, or “Crazy Golf” if you prefer, a fun pastime for all the family and and a sport quite well represented in the world of online browser games. Unfortunately, a lot of Mini Golf games means a lot of shitty Mini Golf games, this one here is no exception…

You can tell about 5 seconds into staring at the title screen that this isn’t going to be a pleasant experience, the first thing you notice, burrowing its way into your ear drums is the music, which by browser game standards is pretty normal, and by normal, I mean fucking terrible, being so used to this generic and low quality garbage everytime I do reviews like this, I quickly found the option to turn it off, how anyone could actually play the game properly and not go bat shit insane with the music ON is beyond me…

It’s probably worth mentioning that this game supports two players, so if you happen to have an annoying “friend” who you secretly hate or a partner you wish to break up with, by all means invite them to come over one night and play virtual Mini Golf with you, and rejoice as they never speak to you again.

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Let’s select our character from this queer quartet from the Academy of Boggle Eyed Lunatics shall we? Not that this actually makes any difference to how your game is played, but hey, we can give them back stories!

  • #1: Jobe (pronounced: Job-ee) born 1981 in international waters, went on to achieve satisfactory grades at college, marry an OK looking girl, and become a mediocre Mini Golf player. Sports the colour white to support his utter blandness. 
  • #2: Angela (pronounced: An-jella) Jobe’s wife, comes from a similar background, sports the colour green for extra camouflage on the field.
  • #4: Robert (pronounced: Row-bear) A Frenchman with an attitude, likes to strut his stuff (and his massive club) around the putting green, has been seen to sabotage Jobe’s caddy with a stale croissant, sports the colour red because he mixed lights and darks by accident when he was doing the laundry. 
  • #3: Kelly (pronounced: Kelleh) Fucked up bitch, knows nothing of the game, just likes to use the clubs inappropriately, currently on the run from various mental rehabilitation clinics in her homeland of Guatemala. Not to be approached under any circumstances.

Before you say anything, the game actually does number them in that order from left to right (1-2-4-3), probably because the real #3 is in Kelly’s cellar, she just stole the jumper. *** I just checked out the credits, turns out they’re all based upon people who helped make this game, to be fair, I’ve probably given them less embarrassing backgrounds ***

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So what’s the game actually like then? Well the graphics for one thing are passable, that is until you look at the 3D rendering of whatever freakazoid you’ve chosen to play with, let’s just say at certain angles, they start to look less human and more like some strange undiscovered primate from the depths of the Earth’s core. 

The gameplay itself isn’t too bad, the whole “using the mouse for both direction and strength” can take a little getting used to, sometimes you find yourself pirouetting, and fidgeting a bit, especially for myself since I’m using a touchpad…

I suppose it does what it says on the tin, it’s Mini Golf, what more can you ask for? Except for better music, more interesting graphics, and people that don’t look like aliens, please.  

For those who can’t get enough of this putting bonanza, there’s a link to a game called "Mini Golf Gold" on the title screen, twice as many holes apparently, but it actually leads to nothing but Kewlbox.com’s homepage, ah well…
And on that day, nobody gave two fucks

So there’s Mini Golf, it looks rubbish, it sounds even worse, but at least it’s reasonably playable, how utterly conformist to browser game lore, I wonder if I’ll ever find another quite as bad as Parking Mania

Cacolantern out!

Game Review #3: Call of Duty

It’s November 13th 2012, you know what that means!?

Nope, neither do I, but apparently some shooter game by the name of "Call of Duty: Black Ops II" was released at midnight…
Various so called “hardcore” gamers around the country queued up for the epic release and proceeded to waste their entire night pretending to be R. Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket, shouting abusive orders down a headset to people half their age, then wondering why school/work were ringing up the following afternoon to ask where they were. A true soldier never sleeps, except for when they play single player campaign. 

(By the way, if you’re unaware of who R. Lee Ermey is, he voiced the little green soldier in Toy Story, same style of communication, albeit without the expletives, obviously)

ANYWAY, I didn’t buy Call of Duty: Black Ops II, for several reasons:

  1. I can think of better things to spend £44.99 on, many copies of Dino Crisis 3 for me to incinerate springs to mind as a good example. 
  2. I’m really not interested in online play, I simply can’t team up with anybody who takes virtual warfare seriously, especially now that it’s set in the future, so we can’t exactly call it realistic…
  3. Therefore paying £44.99 for the single player campaign does seem a little bit of a waste, zombies or not…
  4. Also, I’m not actually very good at Call of Duty, I prefer my games to have more of a mixture of puzzle solving and action, take Tomb Raider and Dino Crisis as good examples, the only puzzle you’ll be solving with Call of Duty, is figuring out how to teabag someone…

Enough with the longest introduction to a game review ever, here’s a Call of Duty game you can play for FREE! 

http://www.gameslist.com/playonline/Call-Of-Duty-Game 

Yes, you may have remembered me reviewing this ages and ages ago, but that review isn’t around anymore, and this is a brilliant time to mention it again, so sue me. 

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So, the title screen has a horribly rendered screenshot of what looks to be the very first Call of Duty game, back when World War II was cool, nowadays everybody bitches about it being the subject of a video game because it’s been done half to death, although I suspect another WWII Call of Duty would still get a 9.0 from Gamespot. The title also says Call of Duty twice, once in a crappy font, and another with official franchise logo, just incase we didn’t figure it out the first time. 

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In this abhorrent little game, you move side to side with your grainy looking gun, shooting identical cardboard cutout Nazis in front of a blurry background of battered old houses, look out for the fire, the only part of the game animated with any fluidity, they must have spent a little more than their lunch hour on that bit.
So you defend yourself constantly until you die, whether you die virtually, or in reality (of sheer boredom) is a matter of chance.  

Hmm, this might sound harsh, but I’d probably rather be playing the real thing right now…

On second thought, how about I switch the shit game off, publish this article and wait to see if anybody notices it because of the famous game name in the title. You never know!

Cacolantern out! 


Abysmal Adverts: Debt Busting Special!

Oh yes, it’s crappy advert time again, and on this special “debt-free” edition of Abysmal Adverts, we’ll be looking specifically at those horrible commercials aimed towards those poor people who find themselves in a bit of a financial shithole, because they’ve got sixteen credit card bills with interest at 49.99%APR, or have taken out a loan 100x the size of their annual salary. Evidently, these people need assistance, and that’s where debt busting companies such as the "Debt Advisory Centre" come in, let’s take a look at what they have to say first:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BlQ5IUOu18&feature=plcp

So we have this chick called Karen watching what looks to be one of those television auction channels, now this is actually a clever touch, even though we only see the TV for a moment, we can guess that part of Karen’s debt problem can be linked to using her credit card to buy heaps of shite from bid.tv “because it seemed like a bargain”, only to find out she’d been charged double the amount of the item for “postage and packaging”. 

Speaking of credit cards, Karen’s seem to have the ability to talk and to have really terrifying faces and abhorrently animated arms and legs, soon after, the “loan” pipes up with its “40 fags a day” voice and even more disturbing face. LOOK AT THE FUCKING FACE! 

All throughout this, Karen never bats an eyelid, like this happens all the time, I know if I find that my financial paperwork and credit cards start speaking, let alone seeing that they’ve sprouted LIMBS I’d ring a fucking exorcist, never mind Debt Advisory Centre!

Anyway, the haunting continues as her computer is taken over by the lady who’ll we’ll refer to as Audrey for the purposes of the story arc, as Audrey explains how they can “help” Karen with her problem, Karen promptly grabs her mobile phone and (we can assume) calls the police for fear of being cyber-raped by Audrey and garotted by her possessed financial materials.  

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Next up, we have our friends at Debt Free Direct, with a harrowing tale of a cute blue bird, and his love of seeds, a love that almost got him killed…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owZMccDzjV4

Aww, look at the cute little bird that’s very poorly animated, I’m just so distracted by the cute wittle birdy that I’m ignoring all of the important stuff this woman is talking about, AWW, look at it hop around eating all the seeds… :D

*BAM* THE BIRD IS TRAPPED IN A CAGE, IT’S IN DISTRESS, IT’S ACTUALLY QUITE SAD TO WATCH… :(

Then a white birdy comes and sets it free because Debt Free Direct can help loads of people pay off their monies! So what the fuck is with the bird in a cage metaphor? Why not just have actual people, instead of distracting us with the animation, basically, when I’m watching that all I can hear in the background is "uhfgrughrhgguhgdebtuhfegsgsrghhelpfhseughsugshcallusnow". Anyway, if you owe £15,000 or more you can call these people and they’ll assassinate your creditors or something like that. 

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Last one from the good people at cleardebt…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObsiUpxIzCg

Good god above, what in the shit is that?! It’s the Debt Monster of course! Straight from a PS2 game, it’s got a terrifying green skirt on and it’ll fuck you up by snarling at you and then walking away, I’ve got goosebumps!
So, for more clarification, being in debt is like having a monster in your house, albeit a monster that doesn’t actually hurt you, it pisses you off by just being around you. Probably quite a good metaphor…

So after the run of the mill debt clearing explanation, do you know what that tough bitch does? She picks up the hoover nozzle, and HOLDS it in front of the monster, actually HOLDS it in front of him, as if to possibly state her intentions to beat the shit out of him with it. WOW, what a woman!

In reality though, they probably didn’t have enough budget for a real fight scene, so the monster pussies out at the mere sight of a hoover nozzle and that’s the end of it, what was she actually planning to do with it? The most stupid ending to an advert I’ve ever seen. EVER. 

So there you have it, if you really want to stay debt free, to stop the possessed credit cards, trapped birds and hideous debt monsters, then these guys are your best bet, as for my advice? Here’s just one tip, always pay your credit card off in full, or else you’ll burn. :)

Cacolantern out!

x

Game Review #2: 2D Shootout

Alright guys and gals, it’s time for another game review! 
Today we’re on the mega minefield of mediocrity that is 2DPlay.com, and without further babbling and such from myself, let’s get stuck into a big pile of virtual cow shit.

2D Shootout 

http://www.2dplay.com/2d-shootout/2d-shootout-play.htm

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Believe it or not, this isn’t the first time I’ve encountered this particular game, infact I’ve actually reviewed this once before, long ago, before I’d even thought of taking my craft to the internet, I decided to hone my skills on an offline MS Word document, just for fun, I happen to remember this game being one of the first I chose to talk about.
So I’ve been wanting to talk about this (again, albeit to all of my followers! *cue the crickets*) for a long time, and to tell the truth, my opinion has changed from when I first laid eyes upon 2D Shootout, back then I was younger and more naive,  back then I thought it was horrible, but now I find I’ve grown to respect it as one of the most lousy, horribly put together, ugliest examples of browser game “craftsmanship” I have ever experienced. Yes, I’ll explain why, but not in prose, because I feel some numbers coming on.

  1. Music: as in many games of this ilk, is often the first thing I notice to be bad, but in this case, you don’t even wanna go there, it’s so abhorrent, that I’d rather lick razor blades than listen to the 10 second loop for more than 2 cycles. *mutes*
  2. Title Screen: I can’t draw, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell when someone else also can’t draw, what can I say? When you’re on a title screen as ugly as what is presented here, you can’t help but feel that whoever did this must have been rushed for time or severely lacking in the creativity department, we have the same enemy cowboy in the same stance copy pasted three times, oh but they’ve adjusted the sizes, brilliant stuff. The lurid orange background and the cheap looking text don’t do it any favours either.
  3. In Game Graphics: The Saloon looks OK, the cowboys look goofy and seem to have swollen scrotums for noses and it’s always the same design, but believe me, I wasn’t expecting a great variety considering the same design was copy pasted thrice on the title screen. 
  4. The Gameplay: Ah, the most important part yet the hardest to criticise, I guess it’s OK, if you don’t mind the cringeworthy music, I would suggest turning it off, but of course, the “sound” button turns off all of the sound, so you may aswell mute your sodding PC, but hey-ho, you’re only missing out on a crappy pistol sound effect. Having to shoot the same bland enemies all the time can make this a sleep-inducing borefest, that would be more true if you didn’t die so easily, but I’m not complaining. 
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My high score was 11, can any of you beat it? Infact, don’t even try, because that would mean actually playing this. It’s a complete waste of internet space, I thought it was donkey doo a long time ago, and I think it’s an even bigger pile of donkey doo now. Short but definitely not sweet, I’m off to think some more about my wasted life. 

Cacolantern out 

x

Game Review #1 Student Simulator

I like my roots, no really, it seems that no matter how hard I try to move away from my original purpose of reviewing bizarre and tat games on the internet, I always seem to drift back at some point or another. This time however, things are a little different, due to the tragic culling of ALL pre-Tumblr transferred articles of mine due to the complete disappearance of pictures  (explained here http://cacolantern.tumblr.com/post/31917309130/older-articles)

I have decided to start afresh, because nothing beats a good reboot (except for when they did it to Tomb Raider) so if you like, this is the start of a "new series" of game reviews, and if you know me you can guess that it probably wont be updated every week and most certainly wont seem any different to the previous ones, so basically I just reset the article count but wanted to make a song and dance about it, let’s move on!

We start our “new series” by talking about students, university students to be precise… Lazy, dirty, poor and overly-intoxicated are just some of the callous stereotypes surrounding our future prospects, I myself never was a university student, having cocked up my A-Levels pretty spectacularly, I didn’t really care at the time, and don’t really care much now, I prefer having money and a clean house to live in (even if it is Mum and Dad’s xP)
However, that doesn’t stop me from wondering; "If I’d gone to University, how well would I have done?" 
Well I need not wonder any longer, for here it is, ladies and gentleman, I give you…
Student Sim.  http://www.bored.com/game/play/450/Student_Sim.html

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On paper, this sounds like a fun game, and potentially a great idea for anyone unsure about making that next educational step, but in practice, it’s probably going to be a load of old shit, but let’s find out shall we?

After giving your name it asks you to assign yourself attribute points for intelligence, charisma and looks, so after giving myself realistic values:

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I moved onto choosing Humanities as my degree, because I always did enjoy Geography at school. Following your degree choice it takes you to the main hub of the game, where your tasks are to maintain your health, your social standing (or coolness as this game likes to call it), your happiness and oh that other trivial thing called your education

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DECISION 1: Choosing your BEST FRIEND.

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A common sense choice for the first decision, here, among this gallery of freakazoids is your new best friend, it’s a wonder how any of these guys made it to further education, after mulling it over for about 30 seconds I decide it’s best to choose Kevin because he has a shiny forehead…

DECISION 2: How hard will I study?

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Trying to keep this as realistic to my own beliefs and traits as possible, I choose "No Study- On the Piss". YOLO! *cringes*

DECISION 3: What will I eat this week?

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They didn’t have a rude option on there, so I went for the junk food because in reality, that’s probably what I’d do, it’s not like I have Mum to make my tea for me is it? 

DECISION 4: What do I want to do next?

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Have a good wash! Because it says I’m sweaty, and that must change in order for me to successfully navigate my way through university life. 

DECISION 5: What kind of wash?

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Wow, I didn’t expect it to be this specific, I would like a full pamper please, which for £10 I simply couldn’t pass up. By the way, how the fuck does a quick spray of deodorant cost £1? Unless you’re using evaporated unicorn horns… 

DECISION 6: You’re pissed and want a takeaway, but which one?

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Rubbish! I never fancy a takeaway when I’m drunk, *sigh* guess it’s a £2 burger for me… 

WOAH, suddenly it says "Oh dear, you’ve puked in the street in front of your mates" with a proper puke effect aswell. Hold on, that’s not fair, I never wanted to eat a fucking takeaway, you made me choose the shit food, force-feeding bastard!

So after accepting a random job that I didn’t read about, I finally get to the good part, I have a date with a girl! Turns out she’s a complete dog but no matter, I shall prevail in this game of romance and witty chat up lines!

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She LEFT me, all I did was press "pay her a  compliment" about 4 times and she left, apparently she wanted a drink… I thought girls liked compliments? So much for her, ugly munter anyway, I’m just gonna keep taking swigs of beer to drown my virtual sorrows…

Instead of going through the decisions seperately like last time, I’ll give you a full roundup of my time at Virtual University, so far I’ve:

  • Ruined 2 more dates with Miss. Minger in a variety of ways.
  • Puked up 3 times.
  • Studied absolutely nothing.
  • Blown £400 of my cash on a flatscreen TV.
  • Quit my job and declined all others.
  • Got myself into £1500 pounds of debt and became bankrupt (also I failed my degree), forcing my game (and my life) to be over.
My opinion? probably quite realistic, but repetitive, it’s the same decisions and  the dating is horrendous as I have no motivation to do well if the girl is absolutely hideous, and overall it’s quite a dull experience, the novelty of fucking things up wears off, and who wants to play by the rules? It’d make it even more yawn inducing!
Just 2 more things before I go:
  • This is a man’s game, I should have pointed it out earlier, but this is exclusively for males who want that student sim experience, maybe there’s one for girls, who knows? If I find it I’ll probably not give it a go.
  • Any males out there who actually DID go to university, on a scale of 1 to 10, how realistic would you rate this little turd of a time-waster?
That’s all for tonight, hope you enjoyed it, because I sure didn’t.
Cacolantern out!
x

Game Review #30- Adults Only II

After literally months of mulling over how I could make my 30th game review a special occasion, I gave up trying and decided to look at some freaky pornographic games again, because let’s face it, they’re about as interesting as my articles ever get.
So sit back, relax, and please put down that Vaseline, let’s look at some more of these “games”…

http://www.newgrounds.com/collection/adultgames

For consistency (and of course fear that I’ll get a hideous computer virus and having to explain to someone that “I got hacked, I would never look at tentacle rape games :O”) I’ll be using the Newgrounds “adult section” again…

Game #1- “Fuck-O-Rama”

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/501834

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There isn’t a better way to start with a good old fashioned “sex simulator”, this particular one is apparently with an anime chick by the name of Kasumi, she seems to like waving to you whilst shoving her arse in your face, I wish all hot chicks would greet me that way… 

Anyway, the title screen music is a very poor 10 second loop, though I doubt I’m meant to spend too long on it, this is my punishment for being a snot nosed critic and not just mindlessly masturbating to the game within 5 seconds…
What’s this though? BY THE NINE DIVINES! IT’S IN THREE. DEE.
I can’t wait for this…

The game begins with a still image of Kasumi greeting us in her native tongue of shitty and broken English… I have the transcript of our initial encounter here…

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Kasumi: "Hi there, hope you did’nt tyred of waiting" 
Cacolantern: ”Actually Kasumi, it loaded pretty quickly, it should be you who’s tyred of waiting for me, I’ve been sat on the title screen for the past 10 minutes thinking of witty criticisms of yourself and this “game” you feature in…”
Kasumi: "Let’s start our fun already!"
Cacolantern: "Oh no, you’re going to turn 3D and become ugly aren’t you?"
Kasumi:  ”Click many times and i’ll flash my titties!”
Cacolantern: ”If you say so…” *clicks many times*
Kasumi:  *half exposes her breasts* “I can’t beleve you realy can interact with me!”
Cacolantern:  ”
N’aww, I bet you say that to all the fellas!”
Kasumi:  “Please continue… I’ll let you suck them later…”
Kasumi exposes her ridiculous 3D rubbery breasts

*Cacolantern holds in a giggle has he obliges to sucking on her breasts back in 2D land*

OK that’s enough, I’m gonna be here forever if I continue the narrative, basically she starts sucking your dick and you have to time the clicks right as she does so, or in some cases just click really fast. For some reason she’s getting loads of pleasure out of this, the 3D graphics are balls, granted they’re very smooth but, I’d rather this was just in 2D stills, because they look much better… 

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So she sucks your dick for what seems like an eternity, I love how nothing but Kasumi moves, you may aswell be a corpse… Next you’re touching her sacred clitoris, but it looks more like a pink golf ball, or a malignant tumor to me, sick. 
MY GOD, ALL YOU DO IS CLICK THE MOUSE, doesn’t even matter where, I’ve been clicking her eye for the majority of this and it still gets me the same result. I can’t believe I’m saying this whilst I’m pleasuring an anime girl but I’m fucking BORED! 

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Eventually you have real sex, and it’s all just the same, click the mouse, rinse and repeat, some simulator huh? I didn’t even reach the end, I was almost asleep, not to spoil anything but I’m assuming she comes, you come, and you both go on with your lives and forget each other ever existed. DUD.  Oh,I forgot to mention, there’s a mini game included where all you do is uncensor some pictures from a hentai manga with your explosive mouse cursor, that’s so pointless it’s unreal…

Now you see that ^? I’ve wasted so much space on that one game I’ve barely got room to talk about another, but I guess I’ll do one more, just ‘cause I’m a nice guy and all…

Game #2: “Attack of The Giant Penises”

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/397574

On second thoughts…

Cacolantern out

x



 


Music Review- Hot Problems :|

You may remember, ages ago, I reviewed the infamous musical atrocity that was “Friday” by Rebecca Black, back then I’d never heard such god-awful lyrics and vocals in a song that wasn’t meant to be considered a parody or a joke, but now there’s something new, a song that makes “Friday” sound like listening to a chorus of God’s holy angels, for those unfamiliar to it, let it be known that what you are about to see is quite possibly one of Satan’s own horcruxes…
With that said, let’s take a look at "Hot Problems" by Double Take

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__HeE6NWmDE

Now, before I start playing this, some say that first impressions can be misleading, but judging by the 30,000 likes and the 460,000 dislikes on this video, I’d say the first impressions were pretty on the money in this example. Interestingly enough, this is not the work of Rebecca Black’s label, ARK Music Factory, instead, some guys called "Old Bailey Productions" took the producing role, and it’s important to note that they had NOTHING to do with the audio or lyrics, so they escape the blame for those things…

I guess it’s inevitable, I’m going to have to press the play button aren’t I?
OK, here begins the last 3 minutes and 4 seconds of my life…

So nothing really happens for about 20 seconds until we see our stars of the show, and I must say "Double Take" are admittedly very pretty ladies, and, since I’m not quite sure how old they are and can’t seem to find out, I’m going to assume they’re too young for sex jokes to be made about them, sorry guys, I’m an outspoken fella, but it’s not worth the risk, can you imagine it, making sexual comments about girls that were underage? Fuck all people read my blog but knowing my luck some enforcement types would stumble upon it and break my balls off, literally…

ANYHOW, the trauma really begins when the lass on the right opens her mouth, now if I remember correctly, singing doesn’t sound like THAT, no, THAT sounds like someone SPEAKING the lyrics and trying to create the illusion they’re singing by pitching their voice, it kinda sounds like some miserable bastard that’s been forced to do karaoke at a party and doesn’t give a shit, it really isn’t all that good is it? 

Infact, the speech-singing is so dreadful I wasn’t really giving much thought into the lyrics, infact I only payed attention when the one on the left said this little corker:

"Please don’t get me wrong

I know that I’m hot

Textbook perfection really takes a lot”

OK, what?! So this is a song all about how hard it is being beautiful, OK, kudos for trying something different, but I’ll ask this one question: How the FUCK did you expect to gain ANY sort of positive feedback with these lyrics, HOW?! Like you’re really targeting a large audience right? OK, so maybe targeting a minority isn’t so bad, but when you make a song, that appeals to the sort of people that everyone seems to HATE (arrogant, snobbish, egotistical, absolutely horrid) then you’re just up shit creek without even your HANDS to paddle with. That’s like if I decided to make a song, all about how hard it is being a rapist, it’s much much worse yes, but the concept still stands, DON’T MAKE A SONG TRYING TO GAIN SYMPATHY FOR A MINORITY THAT DESERVES NONE, GOD DAMN IT!!!

But hey, now we’ve learnt that it’s gonna sound terrible and that the lyrics are gonna be terrible, we might aswell focus on the only salvageable aspect for the most part, and that’s the video!
Well, it’s all set in the back of a limo, and not much really goes on, for FUCK sake! Why couldn’t this song have anything that at least amuses me, even the ARK music videos had events, or some sort of lame-ass story going on, but this is just so cheap it’s hard to even come up with a words to describe it.
I say you’d get just as much enjoyment out of sitting bare bottom on a termite mound, or wearing underwear lined with sandpaper… :| 

So, let’s recap, throughout the 3 minutes the video barely changes setting, the vocals stay at the same unbearable standard, and the lyrics keep telling us all about the hardships of being attractive, and the majority are not even worth quoting, go look them up if you want to read some of the worst lines for a song written by humankind, the chorus must be sung about, 5 times?
So take all of what I’ve said before, mix it all up in a metaphorical blender for 3 minutes and 4 seconds, and what you’ll get at the end is one big, fat, 450 pound, steaming pile of elephant shit

One more thing to mention before I go to slit my wrists with a butter knife, Double Take later said in an interview (and I quote):

"We don’t think that we’re that hot," 

I say: Bollocks. 

"We’re open to careers as songwriters"

I say: There may be some vacancies for you, in Syria…*

*apologies to the people of Syria, I realize that civil war would be a better option than letting these two into your country…

“We knew that we couldn’t actually sing, so we decided to go for more of a talking singing,” 

I say: I also know I can’t actually sing, so I decide, um, NOT TO MAKE FUCKING SONG? 

"We wrote the lyrics in two hours" 

I say: Pull the other one, it never took you THAT long did it?

and finally:

"All negative criticism we’re brushing off our shoulders"


I say: If negative criticism did actually come in physical form that was able to be brushed off one’s shoulders, I think you’d have suffocated under it by now…


I hate goodbyes, but I’ve said all I want to say on this travesty! A big “thank you” to a certain Charley18x for introducing it to me, I hope this has made her happy!! :P

Cacolantern out! 

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